I have been tossing around several different things to blog about lately. But today something hit me that I feel I need to get off my chest/vent about.

I hate seeing blogs of moms who have lost tons of weight and who have figured out how to do this amazingly crafty thing and the endless babywearing/cloth diaper/breast feeding meet ups for and by moms WHO DONT WORK! I would love to take E to a mom and me class, or a gym class or ANYTHING to get some special quality time with him but guess what I am extremely punished because I work. They dont have mom and me gym class at 7pm on a Wednesday evening. They dont have babywearing meet ups on a Friday night. No instead they have them on Wed or Thurs morning at 1030am. EVERY SINGLE ONE I'VE LOOKED INTO is this way. The only thing I've ever been able to do with him is a swim class (not really suggested to do since he has ear tubes but what were my other options?) on a Sat morning for 4wks. We've done it twice and I am sure we'll do it again because its the only thing available. I am lucky to have Mondays off and can take him to the museum or the park when the weather is nice and his allergies are killing him but I'd love to do something socially interacting while spending time with him. I'd love to meet moms in my area with kids his age. I'd love to be able to be teaching him something while having fun. But again the punishment for working is that I am cut out of this. I am not only going against the mom guilt in me that so badly wants to stay home with him (maybe not 100% of the time but a hell of a lot more than I do) and spend this short time that he is so sweet and loving and young and wants me there with him, but also the fact that I know if I chose that route we'd be living in a box on the corner. I am sure said box would get pretty cramped pretty quickly with a family of soon to be 4, plus 2 dogs a cat and 3 fish. I frequently feel looked down on by moms who dont work. As if they are being better moms because they can do all of the above with their babies while I spend nearly 12hrs a day with some one elses. I am not saying I am singled out specifically by all these groups and am degraded by them. But reading blogs and posts and looking at meet up and gym calenders makes me feel that way. If I were to chose to work out 5+ days a week I would lose precious quality time with my son and miss more than I already do. Miss his sweet bed time and his sweet cuddles and love. Things that I already miss enough of.

So do I look amazingly hot nearly 2yrs after my son is born? No. Do I think this is a goal that I'll achieve in the near future (or at least not long after #2 is born)? Probably not. Time with my babies is more important that 10-20lbs and a smaller pants size. One day when they are older and would rather play with friends or can come with me or I am able to spend more time with them other parts of the day, then yes. I do believe I can do it. I can come up with a neat crafty craft that I can brag about. That I can be excited to teach and show others how to do. That I can say "Yes I have finally reached my ultimate goal weight". It just becomes very hard to stay in this mind set when everywhere I look some days I have the opposite slapping me in the face. Working is not an option for me, its not as if I am choosing to leave my baby at home every morning before he even wakes up and not get home until a couple of hrs before his bed time. Its required to live, to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. A fact I think many SAHMs miss definitely not all but many. I know there are moms who financially its better for them to stay home due to the insane cost of childcare.

I am by no means saying staying at home is easy. In fact its quite the opposite. Its hard and tiring and you dont get a break (while neither do I technically or literally). I think that there's a loneliness and an isolation that can come with staying at home. But you have options. You have the ability to watch your babies grow up and know that you are there every second being able to be there and help and watch them. You know everything they did that day and can say YOU raised your baby not daycare or a sitter. You are able to take part in the play groups and play dates. You can take your baby to story time at the library something that unless I get lucky I wont be able to do.

I love E's daycare. I love that he has learned so much and has been able to make friends and play and comes home with art work. But I would love to teach him those things. Yes I do work with him on them and love seeing things click in his head. But having 2hrs in the evening which includes cooking dinner, baths, bedtime routine anything else cuts in to that.

I dont know maybe I am afraid that there will come a day where he is angry that I wasnt there enough for him. Or I look at him and realize that I have missed everything......